A Guide To Lesbian Sex

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Zara Barrie is back today with her 3rd & last part of her series for pride month. If you missed her first 2 posts, be sure to check them out here & here.

As I’ve said before, I LOVE having Zara on the blog because she is real, raw, honest & fucking funny. Plus, she never shys away from taboo topics…as you can tell from the title of this post.

Today Zara is telling us everything we’ve wanted to know about lesbian sex. She goes over scissoring, strap-ons, manicure etiquette ( LOL ) & so much more.

Enjoy!

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We’ve been through a lot together haven’t we? We’ve deep-dived into the dark & stormy waters of a girl crush. We’ve lifted the veil on the mysterious underworld of lesbian dating. What could there possibly be left for us to talk about? 

Only the most fascinating subject of all, darling. S-E-X. Not just any sex. Sapphic Sex. Meow.

& I know — I know — that regardless of where you fall on the ever-expansive spectrum of sexuality, everyone is at least a *tiny* bit curious about lesbian sex. I can’t say I blame you. Mainstream media sells us straight sex in every TV show & movie & commercial even. But they don’t dare touch upon the wild & wonderful world of queer girl sex. 

In fact, whenever lesbians are depicted in the media we’re usually portrayed as rather sex-less. We’re irritable women dressed like gym teachers donning ugly crew-cuts wearing Bermuda shorts yelling at the young & vibrant next-door neighbor to keep his rock music down. When in reality, we queer babes are having the hottest sex out there. I suppose the suits in charge are a teeny bit afraid that if they show how hyper-sexual & multi-orgasmic the lesbian world *actually* is their wives might be tempted to switch teams? 

I don’t know. I’m not a sociologist. I’m a lesbian! A lesbian who is about to bestow you with some fun little lusty truth-bombs about queer girl sex on this fine day.

Also, before you get your Agent Provocateur undies in a twist, kindly remember this: I’m not speaking on behalf of every single lez in the stratosphere. I’m speaking strictly based on my own experiences, that of my friends, & the hundreds of women I’ve interviewed in my career as a sex & dating writer. But you’re smart, you already knew that, didn’t you? I mean there’s no way one little person can represent an entire population, amirite?! 

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s slip into our silky pajamas, blast some old-school Melissa Ethridge, & talk about sex. 

Buckle up. This is going to be fun.

Lesbian Sex Truth Bomb #1: Mainstream porn is lying to you. 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if your lesbian big sister doesn’t tell you, who will? Here goes: Unless you’re watching underground feminist queer porn out of San Francisco — the lesbian porn you’ve seen is not what real lesbian sex looks like. Not even a little bit. 

Most of the lesbian porn out there is designed for the viewing pleasure of straight men. That’s why the girls have long, acrylic nails ( ouch! ) & long blonde hair & wear bright pink matching lingerie. Sometimes my nails *do* veer on the long side & I love my pink lingerie as much as the next girly girl, but let me assure you….my partners & I don’t wear matching underwear ( ew, creepy ) & we don’t make those sounds

Lesbian Sex Truth Bomb #2: The definition of lesbian sex is not fixed. 

Ask five different lesbians as to what lesbian sex actually is & you’re going to get ten different answers. 

Meet five of my friends: 

Lisa: “Lesbian sex is oral sex.” 

Leah: “No it’s not! Lesbian sex is when you use a strap-on!” 

Ray: “Lesbian sex doesn’t require a strap-on, Leah. It just has to involve penetration. Fingers count. As do fists.” 

Suzie: “You’re all wrong it’s strictly scissoring!” 

Amanda: “No lesbian scissors in real life, that’s a porn thing. Lesbian sex is defined by having an orgasm.”

Leah & Ray: “WE SCISSOR!” 

Me: “CAN YOU GUYS SHUT THE F UP PLEASE?!” 

This is a very common debate in my friend group, namely because I write so much sex & dating content & often exploit my lovely friends in the name of research. But this common argument precisely proves my point: There is no fixed definition of “sex” when you’re dealing with queer sex. Our sex isn’t as linear as straight sex, which I think makes it extra tantalizing. It’s mysterious & nuanced & very much in the eye of the beholder.  

So when you hear a queer babe say: “We finally had sex!” don’t assume you know what she means by that. She could mean a plethora of things. 

How do I define lesbian sex for myself? Scissoring, orgasming, strap-on style, fingering, oral, the works. It all counts as sex to me, darling. But then again, I’m a notoriously greedy lover who likes it all

Lesbian Sex Truth Bomb #3. Some of us *do* scissor. Not all of us, but some of us. (I do). 

So what is this scandalous scissoring business everyone is always on about? 

First of all the “technical” term (  ha!) is called “Tribbing” & it’s when one rubs one’s vulva up against their partner’s body. 

The classic “Tribbing” discussed in pop culture, usually refers to this act specifically: two women interlock their spread legs whilst rubbing vulvas together. The two legs look like two sets of grinding scissors, hence the lovely little name “scissoring.” 

I know, I know. It sounds…complicated. & trust me, it is. I’ve been kicked in the head at least ten times & have definitely pulled a muscle or two — but when I’m in the scissoring groove with my partner & we get into the right rhythm it’s mind-blowing

In my experience, scissoring has been more than worth the odd head kick & muscle spasm, but I’m kind of freaky. A LOT of outspoken lesbians on the internet will vehemently insist that “no lesbian actually scissors!” — & while that might be true for them, it’s definitely not true for all of us. I think the reason so many lesbians find themselves triggered by the notion of “scissoring” is because it’s depicted so unrealistically in male-directed porn movies. I get it, but I refuse to let male porn directors stop me from expressing my love for the scissor. 

Lesbian Sex Truth Bomb #4: Strap-on sex is not the same as having sex with a dude. 

“Wait so if you girls have sex with strap-on dildos, why wouldn’t you just go for the real deal?” 

I’ve been asked this question more times than I can count on my freshly manicured hands! But hey. I do see how this can be a confusing concept to those who’ve never taken a swim in the girl pond. 

Let your lesbian big sister sweetly explain why strap-on sex with a woman is not at all the same thing as having sex with a heterosexual cis-gendered boy toy.

I’m attracted to women. I love the way they taste. I love the way they smell. I love their swag, their sparkle, their bodies. The way they kiss. The way they move. Women excite me. & when we have sex it’s precisely the unique way they taste, move, smell, etc. that sends me into orgasmic bliss.

When we’re adding a little extra penetration with a strap-on, the dildo doesn’t all of a sudden negate the fact that she’s a woman. She doesn’t all of a sudden inhabit male smells & sounds. It’s still her — just with the welcomed addition of a glittery sex toy to add a little extra spice to an already delightful romp. 

Lesbian Sex Truth Bomb #5: We are as messy as anyone. 

Maybe it’s because it’s two women & women are expected to be POLITE little damsels — but for whatever reason — so many straight people appear SHOCKED to discover that some of us just want sex with zero strings attached. 

Here’s the truth: We do. Not only that, we stumble into bars & get bombed & do stupid shit — like go home with our toxic exes we vowed to never speak to again. We screw up. We cheat. We have one-night stands. We make dumb mistakes. Like sleeping with a friend, or even worse a friend’s ex. Lesbians are on Tinder. Hinge. OkCupid. Raya. All of the apps. Lesbians are players. Fuckboys. Homewreckers. Vixens. Heartbreakers. Freaks. Shallow. Sex-crazed. Irrepressibly horny. 

My straight girlfriends are always saying things like: “Ugh, Zara you don’t get it! Lesbians have it so much easier. A woman could never do that to another woman.” Oh, let me assure you we CAN do that, whatever that is. That & then some, honey! 

In short: We are just as messy as anyone. Maybe even messier than your average hetero. See, a lot of us didn’t even start spinning ’round the Sapphic sex wheel until well after high school. We still have a lot of drama & screw-ups & sex to get out of our systems! 

Lesbian Sex Truth Bomb #6: Nails are v. important. 

I love a good manicure as much as I love a cold glass of champagne on the beach. I love a nice pointy acrylic too. & while a lez can absolutely rock whatever nail style she wants to rock — one must be mindful when venturing into a woman’s nether regions with their fingers. Too sharp & it gets painful! Girl parts are delicate! & dirt beneath the nails is disrespectful & unacceptable. If it’s your first time with a woman, to be safe, I say keep those nails trimmed & clean, at the very least. 

Lesbian Sex Truth Bomb #7: Our orgasms are indeed insane.

It’s true & I’m sorry ( not really, but you get the sentiment ). I’ve done several laps around the sex block & let me tell you. Women are almost always selfless lovers deeply invested in their partner’s orgasm. They don’t rush. They understand the fine art of the tease. Plus, you can’t fake it with a woman. & the beauty is, you don’t need to because girls usually know what’s going on down there. & if they don’t, they ask. There’s a wealth of information men could stand to learn from us ( boys DM me for tips ). 

I could write twenty essays about lesbian sex & still not be done. There’s so much exciting ground to cover. We haven’t even discussed tops & bottoms & pillow princesses & daddies & studs yet! But hey, I can’t give it all away, right away. That wouldn’t be lady-like.

In the meantime, trim those nails, stretch your limbs before scissoring, buy yourself a chic Italian leather harness from a bougie sex shop, don’t believe everything you see in porn, & trust your body. If you want it; try it. Sexuality is languid & ever-moving like the ocean. 

& if you ever need advice about anything at all your lesbian big sis is always here for you. Like I said earlier, if you’ve made it this far you’re officially under my big sister wing now. & you’re safe here. I promise.

XO,

Zara 

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There you have it. Happy pride everyone. And if you missed Zara’s other posts on The Skinny Confidential, be sure to check them out:

♡ How to get your shit together, but keep your wild side.

♡ Her series on dealing with pain: one, two, three.

♡ Navigating the girl scene part 1: do I want her or do I want to be her?

♡ Navigating the girl scene part 2: lesbian dating

x, lauryn

+ read all about the Woo Vibez vibrator here.

++ why you need coconut oil lube in your life. 

+ use code HIMANDHER for 20% off at Woo.

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